The Minimalist Way Page 12

  Another difference is that where it’s perfectly justifiable to get rid of your unused things, it’s so rarely justifiable to rid your life of a person. Aside from truly toxic people, as we discussed, the vast majority of the people in our lives deserve so much more patience and so many more second chances than our things. After all, love wouldn’t really be love if it were always easy to come by. Love challenges us.

  We’ve all had friends who don’t offer us as much as we offer them. In my early twenties I met a woman named Catherine who was new to my area. I introduced her to my friends, convinced her to join my gym, and picked her up for social events. I listened to her talk about her upbringing, her job, and the end of a difficult relationship—and supported her, as best I could, as she got back on her feet and set up her own apartment.

  Catherine slowly found her stride and created a friend group different than my own, but we stayed in touch through the following years. When we finally moved apart, I realized that in our years of friendship, the relationship had never swung the other way. It had never been her picking me up for a girls’ night or even just a Target run in our pajamas. It had never been me talking while she listened. I’d always expected that one day it would happen, but it just … didn’t.

  But even if I didn’t get what I might have wanted out of that relationship, in a way, I got something better. I got the chance to practice love and kindness when it wasn’t returned in quite the way I thought it would be.

  The overall philosophy of minimalism—intentionally investing in things that contribute meaningfully to your vision for your life—applies to relationships just as it does to the things we buy and the way we spend our time. But while the philosophy is the same, the practice is different, because people deserve to be treated differently than our things.

  In the end, what we gain from our relationships might not be what we want or expect, but the lessons shape us—and our lives—in powerful ways.

  9

  continuing your minimalism journey

  I am so proud of you for coming this far with me on the journey to a minimalist way of life. Together we’ve tackled your home, your career, your family life, your finances, your use of time, and your relationships. That’s a lot of ground, and I hope you’ll celebrate the internal shifts you’ve made by reading—and I hope, by living—this material. Congratulations!

  In this chapter, I offer a handful of strategies to help you stick with this practice. But even more than that, I hope to send you off with the essence of what a minimalist life is—and the knowledge that this lifestyle is yours to claim, no matter where you are in the journey.

  Tips for Staying the Course

  As passionate as you might be in this moment about adopting a minimalist lifestyle, that fire will sometimes flicker and lose its strength. And that’s okay. It doesn’t mean you’ve failed—not even close. When you anticipate that setbacks are part of the process, you’re less likely to abandon your vision and resume the cluttered, frenzied lifestyle you’ve tried so hard to escape. Obstacles are normal. Discouragement is a part of the process.

  But this lifestyle—with so much potential to open you up to joy—is worth fighting for, so let’s choose a few concrete things you can focus on today.

  1. CHOOSE 1 TO 3 HABITS YOU WANT TO PERMANENTLY CHANGE

  Having a clear vision is essential, but it’s really your daily actions—your habits—that determine your ability to bring that vision to life. There’s power in breaking old habits that weren’t serving you and forming new ones that will reinforce your minimalist way of life. To affect small and hopefully long-term change, choose one to three minimalist habits right now that you want to zero in on. Here are a few examples:

  •Enjoy a screen-free period of time before bed (60 minutes, 30 minutes, 15 minutes—whatever suits), to give yourself more white space.

  •Stop your practice of shopping whenever you feel a negative emotion.

  •Only check email twice a day, at designated times.

  •Only use social media between certain hours. For example, 8 to 9 p.m.

  •Invest in your relationship with your mom (or any other loved one) by calling or visiting her once a week.

  •Leave your phone in another room during a certain part of your workday.

  •Require yourself to wait at least five minutes before making any nonessential purchase.

  •Choose your top three tasks before starting every day.

  •Only buy pieces for your wardrobe that you consider a 10 out of 10. Pass on everything else.

  •At the same time every weekend, plan your meals and do some food prep for the upcoming week.

  •Every time someone asks you to do something, if your gut doesn’t offer an immediate and enthusiastic yes, answer with this: “Thanks for asking! Let me think about it and get back to you.” (This will give you some time to process the request and decide if it aligns with your values, before you give a firm answer.)

  2. FOCUS ON REPETITIONS

  There’s no magic number—no number of days it takes to officially form a habit. But there are repetitions. In his book Atomic Habits, James Clear argues that it’s our repetitions that change us. He says:

  “When you think about your goals, don’t just consider the outcome you want. Focus on the repetitions that lead to that place. Focus on the piles of work that come before the success. Focus on the hundreds of ceramic pots that come before the masterpiece.”

  Whatever habits you’ve chosen to focus on, each time you do one “rep,” imagine yourself adding a tally mark to a chart in your mind. (Or better yet, track those repetitions on paper so you can see your progress.)

  Every time you call a friend instead of logging onto your favorite retailer’s website, add a tally mark. Every time you have a Sunday evening planning session for the upcoming week, add a tally mark. Every time you put an item you no longer use into your give-away bin, add a tally mark. With repetition, our actions become habit. And intentional habits—habits that work for you—drive you further into a minimalist lifestyle and free up the bandwidth for you to tackle your higher priorities.

  3. WHEN YOU FALTER, PUT ALL YOUR ENERGY INTO YOUR NEXT ACTION

  Setbacks are inevitable, but it’s what you do next that matters most. Sure, you hit a stressful season of your life and coped by quitting your decluttering efforts and continually prowling Amazon deals—or whatever your particular situation may be. Let yourself feel the disappointment, but then you have a choice to make. You can choose shame and self-loathing; you can allow yourself to believe you’ve failed. Or you can recognize the setback, accept yourself as human, and direct your thoughts and energy to your next steps. For most of us, the second option is much harder, because it goes against the way we’ve trained our minds, but it’s also the quickest, surest—and healthiest—way to get back on track.

  4. CELEBRATE SMALL MILESTONES

  I know a family that celebrates everything. They treat every milestone, big or small, like it’s just as deserving of a celebration as anything else. In the dozen years I’ve known these parents and their growing kids, I’ve seen them celebrate the end of final exams, the first college acceptance letter that came in the mail, the first day of a new job and the last day of an old one. In the midst of their celebrating, I’ve also seen them experience loss and heartache, like all of us do. But I’ve noticed that the way they mark time, no matter what they’re going through, makes life feel that much more special—even precious.

  What have been the milestones so far on your minimalism journey? Have you blocked your favorite retailer’s website? Have you started waking up half an hour before the rest of your household? Did you make a shift in your career to a role that’s more in line with your values? Life is meant to be celebrated. And when we take satisfaction in our progress, it motivates us to keep it up.

  5. CONTINUALLY RETURN TO YOUR WHY

  Every time you feel your willpower waning, return to your why to bolster it again. Document your progress
by taking photos or making a small photo book. Talk through your vision with your spouse or a friend. Write in your journal about the moment that first started you on this path. Write about why you want to live this way—to remind yourself that you really do.

  To Change Your Behavior, Change Your Identity

  Confession: Before writing this book, I thought of myself as an “aspiring minimalist.” I joked with friends or family about how my “minimalist ways were showing,” when I refused to let my kids do two sports at once or when I got caught with yet another load of donation items in my trunk. But I would never have called myself a true minimalist because the term felt too black and white.

  I didn’t think I qualified.

  But while writing this book—and thinking about this topic so much that it has started to consume even my dreams—I decided that minimalism isn’t a diet that you’re either on or you’re off. It isn’t a white room with nothing inside it but a potted succulent and a piece of art. It isn’t a capsule wardrobe or a clutter-free junk drawer or a tidy toy collection made only of hand-carved wood. It isn’t a club with a rigorous screening process and a secret handshake once you’re in.

  Instead, minimalism is a frame of mind. It’s a decision to slowly, over the course of months and years, work toward a life that fits. A life that matches who you are inside—and somehow makes you even more.

  And most importantly, minimalism is an identity that is yours (and mine) for the taking.

  At the deepest level, to really change your behavior—from your spending habits to how you manage your time to the state of your relationships—you must change your identity. Choose today to take on the identity of a minimalist, instead of always aspiring to be one. Claim this identity as your own, celebrate the highs and accept the inevitable lows, and watch your life change from the inside out.

  references

  American Psychological Association. “Multitasking: Switching Costs.” http://www.apa.org/research/action/multitask.aspx

  Barnett, Michael. “Strategic Inconvenience.” Marketing Week. March 7, 2012. https://www.marketingweek.com/2012/03/07/strategic-inconvenience

  Clear, James. “Why Trying to Be Perfect Won’t Help You Achieve Your Goals (And What Will).” https://jamesclear.com/repetitions

  Giang, Vivian, and Max Nisen. “See What the Desks of 39 Successful People Look Like.” Business Insider. January 30, 2013. https://www.businessinsider.com/desks-of-famous-people-2013-1

  Harvard Business School. “Habit Formation and Rational Addiction: A Field Experiment in Hand Washing.” http://www.hbs.edu/faculty/Publication%20Files/18-030_63e232aa-d361-4673-aa2a-9f8dab3dccc2.pdf

  Marshall, Ron. “How Many Ads Do You See in One Day?” Red Crow Marketing Inc. September 10, 2015. https://www.redcrowmarketing.com/2015/09/10/many-ads-see-one-day

  Newton, Phil. “What is dopamine?” Psychology Today. April 26, 2009.. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/mouse-man/200904/what-is-dopamine

  Petersik, Sherry. “Momma’s Closet: 11 Ways to Save Money on Clothes.” Young House Love. September 18, 2012. https://www.younghouselove.com/mommas-closet

  Science Daily. “Brain’s Problem-solving Function at Work When We Daydream.” May 12, 2009. https://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2009/05/090511180702.htm

  Seiter, Courtney. “The Science of Taking Breaks at Work: How to Be More Productive by Changing the Way You Think About Downtime.” Buffer. https://open.buffer.com/science-taking-breaks-at-work/

  Waldinger, Robert. “What makes a good life? Lessons from the longest study on happiness.” TED. November 2015. https://www.ted.com/talks/robert_waldinger_what_makes_a_good_life_lessons_from_the_longest_study_on_happiness

  acknowledgments

  I owe a sincere thank you to my parents, teachers, and mentors who—since as early as the fourth grade—have encouraged me to keep on writing. Thank you to the team at Callisto Media, especially Melissa Valentine and Laura Lee Mattingly, who caught the vision for this book as less of a decluttering guide and more of a roadmap for your minimalist life as a whole. Thank you to my friends for offering to let me use you as case studies and to my kids for your patience and support through the process. And of course, my husband. It’s a rare gift to have someone who believes in you in the way he believes in me.

  about the author

  ERICA LAYNE is a sunset chaser, mom of three, and founder of The Life On Purpose Movement—a community of women doing life with intention. Her website (EricaLayne.co) reaches thousands of women every day, helping them trade overwhelm and fatigue for focus and peace. Erica graduated in print journalism from Brigham Young University, has been interviewed for The Wall Street Journal, and contributes to some of the top websites in the minimalism space. She lives with her young family in the San Francisco Bay Area.

  If you’re interested in further help from Erica, visit EricaLayne.co/TML for an exclusive coupon of 20 percent off her courses and products.