The Minimalist Way Read online

  “Me either!” said the other, laughing. I climbed onto the bike and told them our gym/therapy session was still young and that anything was possible.

  For all of my adult life, I dreamed of friendship like this. I craved friendship where I could bare it all and still know without a doubt that I wouldn’t—I couldn’t—scare my friends away. There on the bikes in the gym we’ve supported each other through the stress and joys of marriage and parenting, the struggle to find purpose in the minutia of our lives, the mental and physical health challenges of loved ones, and more.

  Have you ever wondered if your need for connection was different—deeper, maybe—than most of the people around you? The Harvard Study of Adult Development, one of the longest-running studies of adult life ever done, shows us that this need is universal. Researchers with the study have tracked the lives of 724 men since 1938, regularly checking in with them to ask about their health, their work, their home lives, and more. Over time, the study has expanded to include the men’s wives and children, which number up to 2,000 collectively.

  Fascinatingly, this massive volume of research shows that what makes a satisfying life isn’t your job title, income level, career satisfaction, religious affiliation, the number of children you have, or any combination of the above. It’s the quality of your relationships.

  In his viral TED talk, Robert Waldinger, the fourth director of this multigenerational project, shared the three main lessons the study has revealed:

  1.People who are socially connected live longer, healthier lives.

  2.It’s not the number of relationships but the quality of those relationships that matters.

  3.People who feel they have supportive friends and family stay mentally sharp longer than those who don’t.

  “The clearest message that we got from this 75-year study is this: Good relationships keep us happier and healthier. Period.” —ROBERT WALDINGER

  To me, these revelations fit beautifully with the framework of minimalism, rounding out the picture we’ve painted so far in this book. Yes, applying intention to our physical and mental environments will improve our lives. But failing to devote that same level of intention to our relationships would leave us so far short of the life we’re trying to create. In this chapter, we’ll evaluate the current state of your relationships and discuss how to move away from those that aren’t serving you and how to deepen and enrich the ones that are.

  Reflection

  Look back at the value tree you made in chapter 2, focusing on your top three values for both of the domains that involve relationships: (1) family, and (2) community & relationships. Write them here, and take a few minutes to think about how your relationships do or do not support your values. Use these values as a guide as you implement the strategies in this chapter.

  Family:

  1. –––––––––––—

  2. –––––––––––—

  3. –––––––––––—

  Community & Relationships

  1. –––––––––––—

  2. –––––––––––—

  3. –––––––––––—

  Write in a journal or reflect on the following questions before moving on: How do you want to feel in your community and in your relationships with others? What’s your vision for your relationships and your connection with your community? What’s holding you back from feeling the way you want to and achieving your vision?

  Minimalist Strategies for Relationships

  A minimalist approach to relationships doesn’t mean slashing your friend group in half or snubbing new friendships because you don’t have room for anyone else. What it does mean is purposefully investing in relationships that will contribute meaningfully to the joy-filled life you’re working so hard to build.

  1. TAKE A RELATIONSHIPS INVENTORY

  Think of the relationships that currently play a role in your life, and write them down in a notebook or journal. Write down the names of friends, co-workers and colleagues, fellow parents, and people you’ve connected with online but have never met in person. Include your parents or stepparents, your siblings, your in-laws, your partner or spouse, any extended family you regularly keep in touch with, and, of course, your children if you have them.

  Loosely classify each of these relationships as supportive, neutral, or toxic. Granted, relationships ebb and flow over time and don’t always stay in one category forever, so to contain the scope of this exercise, focus on the current state of each relationship.

  •Supportive: The people in your life who support you and receive your support in return.

  •Neutral: People with whom your exchanges neither improve your emotional wellness nor take away from it.

  •Toxic: People who drain your energy and continually leave you feeling worse about yourself or your life.

  In my experience, one of the quickest and, surprisingly, most accurate ways to assess a relationship is to simply ask yourself how you feel after interacting with a particular person. Do you leave feeling inspired, lightened, or fed in some way? Or do you leave feeling drained, depleted, and less than?

  2. PROTECT YOUR EMOTIONAL WELL-BEING BY LETTING GO OF TOXIC RELATIONSHIPS

  If you’ve identified a relationship that drains you, further indicators include feeling that you never do anything right, that you can’t truly be yourself, and that you aren’t allowed to grow and evolve as a person. This is because toxic individuals have a need to keep the people around them small and manageable, which helps the toxic person feel important, needed, and in control. I believe this stems from deeply rooted insecurity, a sense of inadequacy that they can never seem to shake. And remembering this allows me (when I’m in a good headspace) to feel compassion toward them.

  But that doesn’t mean any of us should be willing to sacrifice our self-worth for one of these relationships. That cost is just too high. Letting go of a toxic relationship can range from distancing yourself subtly to severing contact altogether, depending on the severity of the toxicity and its impact on you.

  My simple plea is that you don’t let a toxic relationship carry on as it is. Think about it this way: If you’re unwilling to keep a room full of clutter because it’s not serving you, how can you allow a harmful relationship to take up space in your heart when its effects are so much more insidious? Removing yourself from a harmful relationship doesn’t make you a bad person; it means you’re strong. It takes incredible courage to stand up for yourself and vigilantly guard what you let in. You deserve to be treated with respect, and at the end of the day, only you can ensure that happens.

  3. STAND CONFIDENTLY IN WHO YOU ARE (AND ALLOW OTHERS TO BE WHO THEY ARE)

  One of the phrases I say most to my kids is, “We can’t control others; we can only control ourselves.” As hard as it is, we are the gatekeepers of what we let in. When my son tells me what another boy said to him during school lunch, or when my daughter breaks down in tears because a friend put down her cartwheel skills (I’m grateful our problems are still small!), I often remind them of what water looks like when it beads and rolls off a duck’s back. What others do and say, I tell them, has everything to do with them—and nothing to do with us. We can let it roll off; we can choose what we want to make it mean.

  The beauty is that each time I reiterate this message to my children, I internalize it a bit more. And I need it as much as they do, if not more. I’ve had a wide open heart my entire life; my mom always says that even as a toddler, I’d break into tears if either of my parents raised their voice with my older siblings. For the sensitives and the intuitives, it can take a lifetime to put a filter in place. But it’s worth the effort, and the moments when we manage to stand securely in who we are teach us why.

  “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.” —ELEANOR ROOSEVELT

  This lesson is especially powerful in the relationships that aren’t serving us but are difficult to cut out. Maybe you have a sis
ter-in-law who passive aggressively puts you down. Or maybe your director at work seems to want to keep you in a box. Even if you limit your contact with these people, chances are they will still be in your life in some way. If this applies to you, consider these steps for interacting with difficult people:

  1.Instead of continually dwelling on how you wish this person would change, drop the drama and allow. It’s amazing how much smaller a problem can feel when we stop resisting it. (I hope it goes without saying that this applies to difficult people—not abusive people.)

  2.Make a genuine effort to see the best in this person, and stop making their behavior mean something that it may not. A reader named Jill once told me that her mom was continually making religious comments meant to imply that Jill should be practicing the family’s faith. But what if instead of attaching an implication to her mom’s comments, Jill decided to assume they were pure and simply reflected her mom’s devotion to her faith? What if Jill stopped making these comments mean something about her? Imagine how their relationship could change.

  3.Stay centered by practicing excellent self-care. If you’re not actively caring for yourself, you won’t have the presence of mind to do any of the previous steps. Practice yoga, take a long bath, meditate, write in a journal, get good sleep, live in the spirit of mindfulness. You’ll be better equipped to deal with the challenging people in your life.

  4. DON’T CARRY WHAT ISN’T YOURS

  While most of us recognize the influence difficult people have on our lives, I think we’re slower to notice when we’re carrying the negative feelings of people we love. Growing up, if my parents felt tense about money, I felt tense. In my married life, when my husband has been stressed, I’ve been stressed. As a mom, when my kids have felt nervous about a new situation, I’ve been nervous with them. I’ve allowed myself to mirror the feelings of those around me.

  But there’s freedom in accepting that we’re all on earth to have our own experiences. When our loved ones are hurting, we can climb into the trench with them; we can remember our darkest moments in order to be with them in theirs. But we don’t have to stay in the trench for so long that we forget why we climbed in in the first place. We don’t have to carry another’s feelings as if they’re our own. In the end, who benefits if you’re both stuck in the trench with no way out?

  I believe that part of a minimalist’s journey is learning to recognize what’s yours to carry. Imagine the relief of accepting that you can be who you’re meant to be, and everyone around you—from your partner and your in-laws to your children and your boss—can be who they are meant to be. In my own life, this helps me stop judging others or expecting things of them. It helps me take responsibility for my own alignment and joy. My story intersects with many others, but it’s still my own to write. And the same goes for the people around me.

  5. PRACTICE QUALITY OVER QUANTITY

  Imagine it’s the last day of your life. You’ve had a good run, and you feel proud of the legacy you’re about to leave behind. If you were to look in the eyes of the people surrounding your bed, who would you see?

  This is a question I once heard posed by Bob Goff—former U.S. diplomat, loving husband and father, believer in whimsy and delight, and best-selling author of the book Love Does. Bob figures that in those last moments, you could fit eight people around you, give or take. Not 20. Not 50. Not the 600 friends you have on Facebook. Eight.

  Who are your eight? The exact number may be different for everyone, but take a moment now to write down in your journal the names of the people you could imagine around your bedside in the last moments of your life. Reflect on how much these relationships mean to you.

  While I still have time, my eight are the people I want to invest in. I want to love them well and trust that they’ll love me well in return. In the end, I can’t think of anything that matters more than that. Quality over quantity.

  6. DECLUTTER YOUR SOCIAL MEDIA

  Take the principles we’ve discussed so far, and apply them to the people you follow on social media. It’s not another person’s responsibility to post content that makes you feel good about yourself; it’s your responsibility to filter what you view. Ask yourself if each person you follow is supporting your values and your sense of self, or if their content is neutral or even damaging for you. You have no obligation to follow anyone, even someone you know and care about in real life, if what he or she posts takes a toll on you.

  I was possibly the last generation to go through high school without social media. Facebook was coming onto the scene in my last couple years of college, but Instagram, Snapchat, and Pinterest were still years away from becoming mainstream. There was no such thing as being an “influencer” or a YouTube celeb. Maybe it was because I grew up without it or maybe it’s just my nature, but I’ve always been extremely (if we’re being honest, ruthlessly) selective about the people I follow on social media.

  A couple of years ago, though, I was following a woman whose message and mission resonated with me. I enjoyed watching her Instagram stories and appreciated the fact that she cared about authenticity and didn’t try to paint herself as perfect. For every styled-out photo she posted of herself holding a cup of coffee with beautifully manicured hands, she shared one of herself with a toddler on her hip and not a hint of makeup on her face.

  But gradually her profile became more and more stylized, and her message of self-acceptance evolved to a message of hustling for your dreams. If you want something, she taught, don’t let anything stand in your way.

  I still enjoyed following her, and in the strange way that only social media can foster, I’d become invested in her family’s success and happiness, even thought I’d never met them and most likely never will. Unfollowing her would feel like stopping a movie in the middle; I needed to know the ending.

  But I knew I was comparing myself to her. I was comparing my sweatpants on a Tuesday to her designer denim on a Saturday night—my quiet, slow-burning desire to make a difference in the world to her spirited determination to knock on every door and break through any ceiling, no matter how high.

  So I unfollowed. I let go of her outcome and refocused on my own. I didn’t blame her for the unfavorable comparisons I was making in my own mind. I know her message will influence many people for good, and that is a beautiful thing. But it wasn’t for me anymore, and it’s my responsibility (not hers) to monitor what I let inside.

  Like my relationship with this influencer, digital relationships can affect us just as much as the relationships we have in real life. Take a good look at who you’re following online, and make sure that the messages you’re taking in are in line with your values and your vision for your life.

  7. NOTICE THE GROWING SPACE IN YOUR HEART

  Have you ever cleaned out a closet and then felt like you could take on the world? That rush of accomplishment is so powerful that it can’t help but spill over into other parts of your life. You may find yourself suddenly applying for a promotion, planning a trip, starting a book club, or finally going to that meet-up you’ve had your eye on for ages.

  That energy is a beautiful thing. But I think that after the rush settles, after the newness of each cleared space wears off and you adjust to your new (minimalist) normal, something even more profound may unfold: You might just find more space in your heart.

  I know that the times when I’m living closest to my values are the times when I’m most able to look into my children’s eyes while they tell me their stories, to see my husband’s intentions instead of looking for his faults, and to sense a friend’s pain before she’s even opened her mouth. As you continue your minimalist journey, watch for the space it frees up in your heart, and use it to further strengthen your closest relationships.

  8. OFFER THE WORLD YOUR TRUEST SELF

  A woman recently emailed me saying she struggles to make friends. She feels like she’s on the periphery of a few different friend groups and knows she’s been excluded from some text threads and get-together
s in the past. She said she’s friendly with many but close to no one.

  I don’t know this woman; I don’t know her age, her job, her family situation, or even what country she lives in, so I can’t presume to know anything about her ability to connect with others. But the question for her that immediately popped into my mind was this: Do you let the people in your life see the real you? Do you share more about yourself than favorite restaurants and surface-level interests?

  Because the thing that takes any relationship to a deeper level is one person’s willingness to share an element of vulnerability. The pang of shame you feel when you miss something at home because you’ve chosen to be at work … The hopelessness you felt when your last relationship ended in heartbreak … Your fear that your colleagues are going to realize you’re not cut out for the job.

  It’s a risk, of course, because there’s always the possibility that the other person won’t return your emotional bid and share something of their own—as well as the smaller potential that this person could hurtfully use what you shared. But going deeper in a relationship isn’t possible without it, and in my opinion, the risk of living your whole life without close relationships is far scarier than the risk of one small rejection.

  At its root, minimalism is about authenticity—authenticity over image. When the majority of our actions are in line with our values, we develop an inner assuredness that transcends the ego’s concern with appearance. Simply put, when we feel good about how we’re living, we can bring that peace and confidence to our relationships. As you apply the strategies in this book and take on a minimalist’s perspective, I hope you’ll find it progressively easier to share your truest self with the world and to nurture relationships that are built on authenticity.

  People Are Not the Same as Things

  The problem with applying minimalism to relationships is that relationships are complex and the work of tending to them is lifelong. You can clear clutter once and potentially never have to clear that same thing again. But relationships? Relationships are never finished.