The Minimalist Way Page 2

  Do you have emotional clutter that’s weighing you down? Start by identifying the harmful scripts that are playing out in your mind. Write them down. Get to know them. Notice them the next time they arise and question them (instead of accepting them as truth, as you may have in the past).

  Once you’ve identified a recurring negative loop, don’t try to immediately switch to a thought that’s 180 degrees from the original. Your brain won’t buy it. For example, it’s a big leap to go from, “Nobody cares about me,” to, “Everyone loves me!” Instead, make a small, positive shift that you really believe, such as, “My family cares about me, and I care about myself.” Identifying and slowly replacing your negative thoughts with positive ones is how you begin to free yourself from this destructive form of clutter.

  The Hidden Cost of Clutter

  The insidious thing about clutter is the heavy toll it takes on our resources and energy. First, we spend money on the things we want. All too often these things end up forgotten in a corner collecting dust (which, by the way, we’ll eventually have to clean). Then we set our sights on new and “better” things, and the cycle repeats. That’s a waste of money, yes, but we also pay for these things with precious time, physical space, and mental energy.

  Ask yourself these questions to assess the real cost of the clutter in your life:

  •What could I have done with the time I spent over the last few months shopping online or looking for important documents that got lost in my clutter?

  •Would I rather spend half of my days picking up after my kids and harping on them to pick up after themselves, or would I rather spend those same hours engaged with them?

  •Does it feel like my brain is constantly at capacity?

  •How does the emotional angst that comes with feeling like a slave to my things impact my relationships?

  •Do I feel resentment when I think other family members aren’t doing their share?

  •Do my children see me as being obsessed with our stuff?

  A minimalist knows that life is full of trade-offs. Giving your time to one thing means withholding it from something else. The real cost of the unused gear in your shed or the holiday decorations you secretly dread pulling out every year isn’t just the dollar amount you paid for them; it’s the time you spent researching, buying, tidying, storing, or repairing these. Imagine what you could do with that time and energy instead! Have you forfeited time with your family? Or time doing something you love—something that really brings you joy? Bottom line: If our lives are burdened with clutter, we’re giving the best of ourselves away to the things that matter least.

  How to Talk to Others About Your New Way of Life

  In this digital era, where we can portray ourselves any way we want, people are craving authenticity. We long to know that we’re not alone in the struggle to find balance and clarity in a noisy world. For this reason, when someone makes a request or extends an invitation you can’t accept, I suggest not only declining but also being honest about why you are. Even one sentence can encapsulate your values surprisingly well, and you never know—your honesty may inspire others to make positive changes in their own lives. Try experimenting with any of these:

  “I’m trying hard not to let myself juggle too many things.”

  “We’re really trying to prioritize family time right now. The years are going by too fast!”

  “I’m working on living at a more comfortable pace.”

  “I got tired of being burned out all the time, so I’m trying not to overbook my schedule.”

  “I need to take some time for myself right now.”

  “I’m focusing on my work and my homelife right now; I can’t take on anything outside of my priorities.”

  Thinking Like a Minimalist

  “Why is that gas pump talking to us?” my 5-year-old asked through the open window, perched in her booster seat as I stood outside of our car, filling the tank with gas.

  “That little TV is playing advertisements,” I answered. “They want us to buy stuff.”

  “Oh,” she said. “Okay.”

  Except it’s not really okay. It’s staggering, the volume of advertising we take in during a single day—not to mention the cleverness of those adds. Digital marketing experts report that Americans see 4,000 to 10,000 brand messages a day. And many of these advertisements are tailored precisely to our interests, based on where we click and what we share online. Additionally, because brands partner with influencers on popular social media platforms, we’re often seeing products promoted in our own feeds, from people we choose to follow.

  The landscape of consumerism has changed monumentally over the last few decades, with advertising becoming subtler and yet more pervasive. We’ve grown up surrounded by it and submerged in the message that more is better.

  Thinking like a minimalist means questioning the status quo. If you want to adopt a minimalist mind-set, start by regularly asking yourself these questions:

  •How can I reduce my exposure to advertising, whether direct or indirect, so I’m not introduced to so many products I’m tempted to buy?

  •Can I get even more honest with myself about the difference between a want and a need?

  •How long does the euphoria of a new purchase really last?

  •Would I rather own this item or have that experience?

  •How much time am I going to devote over the next several years to maintaining this product? (Replacing batteries, cleaning it, dry cleaning it, repairing it, etc.)

  •How do I feel in a crowded, cluttered environment?

  •Does my home visually represent the person I’m trying to be?

  •Who will sort through my belongings after I’m gone, and what can I do now to lessen that burden?

  When I started seeing my life through a minimalist lens, I slowly stopped wanting a bigger home; a bigger home just meant more to clean. I stopped trying to fill my walls with frames and artwork; visually, less became more. I gradually stopped caring as much about how I looked in the eyes of others; my life matched my values, and this gave me more contentment and more confidence than I’d ever felt before.

  Let’s create this for you, too.

  3 Thought Patterns that Fuel Overconsumption

  When someone tells me they feel burdened by all the stuff they own, I encourage them to get curious about how they got there. I might ask: What led you to consume so much in the first place? What triggers you to reach for the credit card? Why do you think changing your shopping habits feels so hard? I’ve found that after we do a little digging, most people can attribute their consumption to one of the following thought patterns—and sometimes to all three.

  1. Emotional Avoidance

  I clicked the button that said “Place Your Order,” watched the webpage confirm my purchase, and closed my laptop with a satisfying click. It was then, as I noticed some of the tension slip off of my shoulders, that I connected my purchase with my mood. I realized I was seeking relief from the agitation that had been building inside of me for several days.

  Think about it—how often do you make a purchase because you think it’s a solution to a direct problem? Maybe you buy something to alleviate a point of friction around the house, like buying a new storage basket for loose items. If you’re a parent, maybe you sometimes buy something to appease the kids, like the time I bought our 4-year-old daughter her own LEGO set so she’d stop breaking her older brothers’ creations. We often tell ourselves we’re buying something for legitimate reasons, like the ones mentioned, but really …

  It’s a little release, a dopamine hit, a distraction, a means of numbing.

  Many of us will do anything to escape actually experiencing our own emotions—especially the difficult ones. For some, it’s eating chocolate; for others, it’s a glass of wine or a few mindless episodes on Netflix. For my mom, it’s cleaning a bathroom. (There are far worse outlets, right?)

  For plenty of us, it’s spending. This is why shopping is so often jokingly refer
red to as “retail therapy”; we use it to create short-term pleasure that helps numb underlying emotions. And with the massive migration we’ve experienced in the last decade from traditional retail establishments to online shopping, it’s easier than ever to get the instant satisfaction of buying something new—a practice that’s leaving us with unprocessed emotions, depleted bank accounts, and overfilled homes.

  2. Scarcity Thinking

  I have a friend whose dad is a collector. (Some might call him a hoarder.) He saves every rubber band that comes with his daily newspaper, every soy sauce packet and plastic fork that comes in the take-out bag, and every issue of National Geographic. He’s an organized collector, and although an outside eye may not be able to decode his systems, if you asked him for an individually wrapped toothpick—or a black and white TV—he’d find one for you. His family recently built a large shed in their modest backyard because his collections were spilling out of the house and needed somewhere to go.

  If you were to stand face-to-face with this warm, put-together man and ask him why he can’t let go, he’d shrug, smile, and answer, “You never know when you might need something in here.”

  It sounds like a perfectly reasonable answer. But beneath that statement is the assumption that someday, something in his home (or who knows, everything in it!) might not be available anymore. The world might run out. While I can’t speak to the deepest root of this good man’s unwillingness to part with his belongings, I can see echoes of this behavior in many of us.

  Have you ever hung onto a pair of shoes that were falling apart because you wondered if you’d ever like another pair quite as much? Have you maxed out your budget during a sale by one of your favorite retailers because you convinced yourself they would never run a sale that good again? Have you ever clicked “add to cart” just because you noticed small red text saying “only 5 left”?

  This is scarcity thinking: the belief that resources will run out, balanced against the knowledge that our wants and needs will not. We often let ourselves fall into this mind-set because scarcity feels like such a justifiable reason to make a purchase or hang onto something we don’t need. And these two actions—buying new things and keeping old ones—leave us physically burdened and emotionally overwhelmed by the volume of things we’ve accumulated.

  3. The Comparison Game

  It’s never been easier to compare your lifestyle to someone else’s. Where once we might have graduated college and kept in touch with our fellow grads through the occasional phone call or lunch date, now—through social media—we’re often aware of every promotion, every new baby, every vacation, and every home purchase. The world has become infinitely smaller as we get a glimpse into the intimate lives of our childhood friends, long-lost cousins, co-workers, bosses, neighbors, fellow school parents, and even public figures.

  What’s worse, we all know that this glimpse isn’t accurate. We tend to document the highlights of our lives, leave out the messes and the struggles, and throw a filter on reality. We know as we scroll that no one’s hair always looks perfect and no one’s home is always immaculate. But still, when it’s right in front of you, it’s hard not to compare.

  Brands contribute to this epidemic considerably, as their social feeds make us feel like we should be backpacking the Pacific Coast Trail (wearing expensive, trendy gear) or gathering our friends and family for perfect outdoor meals (lit by globe lights and served on beautiful tablescapes).

  The more we look, the more we want our lives—our homes, our cars, our clothes, our families, our vacations, and our social status—to mirror what we see, even if we know that the standard is unrealistic. Just like emotional avoidance and scarcity thinking, the comparisons we draw inside our heads drive our desire to spend, acquire, and accumulate.

  10 Common Consumerist Thoughts to Watch Out For

  Whenever you find one of the following thoughts crossing your mind, consider it an in-the-moment reminder that you can take a new approach. As you let these thoughts pass without acting on them, you’ll become a more mindful consumer.

  “It would be so much easier to eat out tonight.”

  “I can just put it on the credit card.”

  “I need a new outfit.” (Or a new phone or a new sound system—anything that’s not actually a need.)

  “My [best friend/sister/buddy/kid] would love this.”

  “I have to buy it because it’s on sale.”

  “What if they run out?”

  “This will make me feel better.”

  “Our neighbors have one. I should too.”

  “I need a distraction.”

  “Wouldn’t this product make my life easier?”

  Joy and Fulfillment: A New Approach to Consuming

  The kind of consumption most of our society is practicing offers distraction and temporary satisfaction. Distraction from our problems, and the temporary satisfaction of buying something new. My hope is not that we stop consuming altogether, but that we consume more mindfully—and that our purchases actually support the lives of joy and fulfillment we’re creating. Instead of using consumption to build lives that look good, let’s limit our consumption and build lives that feel good. After all, a life that feels good has very little to do with the things we own.

  Lori Sanders learned this lesson in a profound way during Hurricane Irma when she watched her husband swim through their front yard to capture a small, orange kayak so they could paddle to safety. As she sat precariously in a kayak with her husband, their 5-year-old son, and one small plastic bag of their belongings, she felt a sense of peace—completely out of place for the situation they were in—wash over her.

  “At that moment,” she says, “I wasn’t thinking about what I left behind, only that right then I had everything I needed. I knew as long as we had each other, we would be okay.”

  If you were to make a list right now of the things that make life joyful and fulfilling for you, what would it include? Quickly jot down what comes to mind. I think most of us would put family and friends right at the top, because we inherently know that relationships are foundational to our happiness. Below that, you might list creative interests, the ways you give back or serve others, your faith, financial security, and having a sense of purpose in life and work. I bet you didn’t write down that new pair of jeans, or the fancy lawn mower you bought last week, or your last five Amazon orders (can you even remember what they were?).

  This is the beautiful secret of minimalism: It may seem like it’s about the stuff, but once you’ve cut through the clutter and adopted a new frame of mind, you learn that it’s barely about “the stuff” at all.

  2

  the key to minimalist living: know your values

  Lauren Prescott was 26 years old when she started noticing a sense of unease deep in her gut. At first, she couldn’t put a finger on what was causing it. Was she anxious about a certain work project or client relationship? No, she thought. I love my job. Had she forgotten to pay a bill or call in for jury duty? Nope. She was set there, too. After a few weeks of living with this low-level but constant discomfort, she even started reaching out to family and friends to make sure everyone she cared about was okay.

  The unease prompted Lauren to take a step back from her life—to take it in with fresh eyes. Slowly, she began to see that her world had become almost one-dimensional. Her work as a self-employed graphic designer was exactly what she’d always imagined for herself. It brought her so much fulfillment that she could do it all day, every day—and in fact, she did.

  But that quiet, persistent discomfort had woken her up to all the things she’d let slip away, telling herself she’d do them tomorrow or next week. The yoga sessions she used to start her days with … the long phone calls with her dad or sisters … dinners with friends—they had all fallen by the wayside.

  Sometimes it takes a sense of dissonance, disconnect, or tension for us to realize what our real values are. This feeling, although unsettling, is a gift—a call to realign our
lives with our hearts.

  What You Value and Nothing More

  In this chapter, I’m going to help you get reacquainted with what’s really in your heart. You’ll identify exactly what your values are for each area of your life, and together we’ll create a personalized framework that will help you make decisions going forward—decisions that reflect your truest self and allow you to build a life that matches.

  While working on this book, I had the opportunity to tell many people the topic I was writing about. From friends and fellow parents to the baristas at the coffee shop where I spent a hundred hours on a laptop, most people responded with a comment about how much stuff they own. A few even looked at me with curiosity (and a hint of incredulity) and asked, “How much is there to say about minimalism? Can’t you just tell them to throw out all their junk?”

  Fielding these questions made me even more motivated to share the real message of minimalism through this book. Yes, what we own and what we consume is one facet, but what it really boils down to is so much more meaningful than that. This movement is about living a values-driven life—a life that feels even better on the inside than it looks on the outside.

  What Are Your Values?

  For the purposes of this book, we’re going to define values as your personal judgment of what’s important in life. Read through the following values and highlight any that immediately resonate with you. Feel free to use the blank lines at the bottom to add values you don’t see here.